Facing Triggers

Though it's an ongoing journey, I've met many of my weight loss goals - in fact I've gone a little too far. My goal was 180. Today I weighed myself and was 166, which is actually up a bit from a week ago. So now my goal is to get to 180 by adding muscle.

I thought reaching my goal would change my life. In some ways it has - I feel physically better than I have in 10 years, I feel better about my appearance, and I know I've made a choice that will keep me around longer for my family. But I've discovered that my life, and the things I've been running from, haven't changed. And until I face those demons I have the potential to go back to the old lifestyle where food was a comfort, and avoidance tool, and a medication.

We all have our own issues, our own demons if you will. Mine is grief. I don't deal with it - I guess I don't grieve well. Eating was my way to grieve - or more of a way to avoid facing my grief. My weight became a buffer for the heartbreak I was feeling. Being the funny fat guy is much easier than being the grieving father. Now being the "guy-who-lost-a-bunch-of-weight" has become my identity - but I'm still the grieving father.

All of this came as a realization to me today when I looked at my son's picture and felt all the emotions I've been trying to run from for 2 years. My first reaction was to go eat - and I damn near got in the car and went to McDonald's. But I didn't. Instead I decided it's time to add a new goal to my lifestyle - learn how to experience emotions.

I write this because we all have triggers. I thought I could run from mine, but I see I won't be able to forever. So I guess it's time to address the trigger, face it, and learn how to live with it. I'll be a better father, and a healthier one, if I can.